Here is my first official How-To on betting at the horse races. I spent all day yesterday at Lone Star Park wagering on the ponies and have a fool proof method for cashing in. I will outline each strategy and disclose the success or failure of each.

1. The best pony strategy
I spent a considerable amount of time looking at the history of each horse in the race. I examined how they ran on different tracks, at different lengths, and different conditions. This strategy sucked because I only won $0.60.

2. The best jockey strategy
These races, I tried to figure out how the jockey would do. I looked at each one's winning percentage and lost my ass. Fucking jockeys!

3. The best horse and jockey strategy
I thought I would combine my prediction techniques and pick the best combination of jockey and horse. Yep, I lost more money.

4. Kicking logic to the curb, I decided to try something new. Here comes the ugliest jockey strategy. I picked the ugliest sonofabitch in the bunch and bet on him. Bad move, he lost. Fucker!

5. The only chick jockey strategy didn't work either. I thought chicks only rode horses on porn sites. They do but they also make you lose money when you bet on their sorry asses at the track.

6. I don't know if it was the insane amount of beer I had consumed or what, but I tried the floral pony strategy. I bet on a horse who's name had a flower in it. He came in dead fucking last. I shot his ass dead after the race.

7. The big nosed jockey strategy sucked ass. I bet on this one guy with a giant beak. I figured it would cut the air and give him an advantage. Nope, he helped me lose some more money.

8. Here it is, the end of the day and I haven't won shit so I went with the coolest color horse strategy. This horse wasn't quite black and wasn't quite grey. He was all wet like he'd been smoking crack all day. Bonus! A crackhead horse. I bet all of the rest of my money on his wired ass. Crackhead Pony won!!

At the end of the day I was down $60.00. Not bad for an entire day of eating, drinking and being merry. I hope this guide helps you the next time you go to the track.

I goto the race tracks often, I usually end up better than I started but sometimes I loose.

Hey, losing is a matter of opinion. Did you really lose money if you had a good time? I go to the track a couple of times per year and always take in the amount of money I'm willing to spend. Yesterday I spent $60.00 and had a great time and I got to kill a horse. :)

Should of sold it to a local restaurant. Probably would of made your money back.

[quote]Hey, losing is a matter of opinion. Did you really lose money if you had a good time? I go to the track a couple of times per year and always take in the amount of money I'm willing to spend. Yesterday I spent $60.00 and had a great time and I got to kill a horse. [/quote]

mmm, yah good point!

You shot a horse?

:(

Yah, he's a lucky bastard that he got the chance to.