I've been reading a book which has tons of good quotes (see my signature). So I thought, everybody should post their favourite quotes/passages/stories here. No real rules, but I like to laugh.

I'll start us off:
[quote]It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the disc [the world where they live] was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to athiests' houses and smashing their windows.[/quote]
-Terry Pratchett, The Color of Magic

[quote]The key to eating a black and white cookie is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.[/quote]
- Jerry Seinfeld

[quote]
The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.[/quote] - Kurt Vonnegut, Author's Introduction to [u]Slaughterhouse Five[/u]

This is not my favorite quote of all time (I'll really have to think about that), but this is my favorite movie quote:

[quote]
Ruben: You're Bobby Caldwell's kid, right? From Chicago?
Linus: Yeah, that's right.
Ruben: It's nice there. You like it?
Linus: Yeah.
Ruben: That's wonderful. Get in the goddamn house.
[/quote]
--Ocean's Eleven (modern version)

"I think I'll stop here."
- Andrew Wiles, 1994

[quote author=K link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44084 date=1076707179]
[quote]
The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.[/quote] - Kurt Vonnegut, Author's Introduction to [u]Slaughterhouse Five[/u]
[/quote]

[u]Slaughterhouse Five[/u] has to be one of the best books I have read in my college career consisting of 1 semester and a 5 weeks (15 weeks altogether).

[quote author=kamakazie link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44114 date=1076715850]
[quote author=K link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44084 date=1076707179]
[quote]
The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.[/quote] - Kurt Vonnegut, Author's Introduction to [u]Slaughterhouse Five[/u]
[/quote]

[u]Slaughterhouse Five[/u] has to be one of the best books I have read in my college career consisting of 1 semester and a 5 weeks (15 weeks altogether).
[/quote]

Agreed, although I read it in highschool. Recently I've read [u]Welcome to the Monkey House[/u], [u]Slapstick[/u], [u]Cat's Cradle[/u], and [u]The Sirens of Titan[/u]. Of the full novels, Slaughterhouse 5 was the best; the short story collections were both excellent too.

"You'll get over it."
-Yoni (I think he started it, if not please correct me ;))

[quote author=hismajesty link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44118 date=1076717788]
"You'll get over it."
-Yoni (I think he started it, if not please correct me ;))
[/quote]You're correct.

[quote author=Yoni link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44127 date=1076719015]
[quote author=hismajesty link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44118 date=1076717788]
"You'll get over it."
-Yoni (I think he started it, if not please correct me ;))
[/quote]You're correct.
[/quote]

Earlier I posted [quote]Cat[/quote] a quote from Spht - Someone removed it though :P

[quote author=UserLoser. link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44139 date=1076719936]
Earlier I posted [quote author=someone] [/quote] - Someone removed it though :P
[quote][/quote]

And you didn't get the hint?

[quote author=Grok link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44141 date=1076720160]
[quote author=UserLoser. link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=0#msg44139 date=1076719936]
Earlier I posted [quote author=someone] [/quote] - Someone removed it though :P
[quote][/quote]

And you didn't get the hint?
[/quote]

I don't see how it's any different than someone posting a quote of Yoni, since Spht isn't even a moderator of this forum he couldn't have removed it

Hint?

[quote]There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people.[/quote]

I've always been quite fond of the one Kp uses as a signature:
[quote][19:20:23] (BotNet) <[vL]Kp> Any idiot can make a bot with CSB, and many do![/quote]

"I'm going to kill me a bugger" - Ender's Game

[quote]I've got to ask you... about the penis mightier...[quote]
~"Sean Connery" on Saturday Night Live[/quote][/quote]

[quote]Anywhere you really understand what you are doing, you can do it without defects.[/quote]--Ted Kaehler

"I hearby reject your reality, and replace it with my own"
- Myth-busters

Saw it in someone's sig... or somewhere.
[quote]
A compiler is a program that tells you how wrong you are
[/quote]

And it brought this to mind...
[quote]
A compiler is a program that tells you how wrong you are, just like the bible.
[/quote]

The kid thinks Rincewind is a demon he summonned:

[quote]The boy looked at the open boo. "My command searlier resume," he said firmly. "The most beautiful woman who has ever lived, mastery of all the kingdoms in the world, and to live for ever. Get on with it"
Rincewind stood frozen.
"Well, go on," said Eric. "You're supposed to disappear in a puff of smoke."
"Listen, do you think I can just snap my fingers---"
Rincewind snapped his fingers.
There was a puff of smoke.


Rincewind gave his fingers a long shocked stare, as one might regard a gun that has been hanging on the wall for decades and has suddently gone off and perforated the cat[/quote]
-Terry Pratchett, Eric

Ah, another Pratchett reader!

[still in the demonology stuff]

[quote]When he was left along, he wandered over to the lectern and looked at the book. The title, in impressively flickering red letters ,was Mallificarum Sumpta Diabolicite Occularis Singularum, the book of Ultimate Control. He knew about it. There was a copy in the Library somewhere, although wizards never bothered with it.
This might seem odd, because if there is one thing a wizard would trade his grandmother for, it's power. But it wasn't all that strange, because any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough to realise that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake.[/quote]
-Terry Pratchett, Eric

(Notice the initials of the book's name)

Skywing - yeah! I'm trying to read them in order, but I have huge gaps. I have them all as ebooks, but I'm trying to buy them. :)

Your library doesn't have any? They had most of them at the library back home...

[quote author=Skywing link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=15#msg45779 date=1077646717]
Your library doesn't have any? They had most of them at the library back home...
[/quote]

Yeah, it does, but I have to order them in from a different branch. I did for a couple, but I'd really prefer owning them. :/

[quote author=j0k3r link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=15#msg45660 date=1077581285]
Saw it in someone's sig... or somewhere.
[quote]
A compiler is a program that tells you how wrong you are
[/quote]

I beleive it was in Yoni's profile on battle.net for a while.[/quote]

[quote]Lisa, Bart, the two of you tried your best and failed miserably; the moral of the story, never try.[/quote]
[quote]Trying is the first step towards failure.[/quote]
~Homer J. Simpson

[quote]Greebo, who had been rubbing obsequiously against Nanny's leg, looked up and hissed. The largest and blackest cockerel Nanny had ever seen had settled on Mrs Gogol's shoulder. It turned on her the most intelligent stare she had ever seen on a bird.

'My word,' she said, taken aback. 'That's the biggest cock I've ever seen, and I've seen a few in my time.'

Mrs Gogol raised one disapproving eyebrow.

'She never had no proper upbringing,' said Granny.

'What with living next to a chicken farm and all, is what I was gonig to say next,' said Nanny.

'This is Legba, a dark and dangerous spirit,' said Mrs Gogol. She leaned closer and spoke out of the corner of her mouth. 'Between you and me, he just a big black cockerel. But you know how it is.'

'It pays to advertise,' Nanny agreed. 'This is Greebo. Between you and me, he's a fiend from hell.'

'Well, he's a cat,' said Mrs Gogol, generously. 'It's only to be expected.'[/quote]

http://www-gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Quotations/Einstein.html

the best one on this page is from mrs.bush:
http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/war/

"Vegetables are what food eats."

I went as far as to highlight this (in a book I'm borrowing from the library)...
[quote]
I then thought that my father would be unjust if he ascribed my neglect to vice or faultiness on my part, but I am now convinced that he was justified in conceiving that I should not be altogether free from blame. A human being inperfection ought always to preserve a calm and peaceful mind and never to allow passion or a transitory desire to disturb his tranquility. I do not think that the pursuit of knowledge is an exception to this rule. If the study of knowledge to which you apply yourself has a tendency to weaken your affections and to destroy your taste for the simple pleasures in which no alloy can possible mix, then that study is certainly unlawful, that is to say, not befitting the human mind. If this rule were always observed; if no man allowed any pursuit whatsoever to interfere with the tranquillity of his domestic affections, Greece had not been enslaved, Caesar would have spared his country, America would have been discoevered more gradually, and the empires of Mexico and Peru had not been destroyed.
[/quote]
- Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

[quote author=iago link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=15#msg49102 date=1079126954]
"Vegetables are what food eats."
[/quote]I heard this as:
"Vegetables aren't my food, they're my food's food."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
George W Bush
[US News & World Report, January 2000]

[quote]"The library exists in n-dimensional space. What you see is just the tip of the.. that thing that's mostly underwater"
"Aligator?"
"Hippo?"
"The ocean?"[/quote]
-Pratchett, about the library at the Magical University (Unseen University)

"Every word in the english language can be verbed"

"My pockets hurt."

"<xar> You'll be my bitch for root?" :P

"I hurt the flower."
-Almost Famous

[quote]Q. Qhat is our political leadership in Washington doing about the deficit problem?

A. Both the Democrats and the Bush White House are setting aside their partisan differences and working together on a courageous, long-term solution to the looming financial crisis, even if this requires them to make unpopular decisions in the short term.

Q. Ha ha! Seriously, what are they doing?

A. They're being total slime-weasels. They're spending MORE. They're pandering their brains out. The Republicans just added a hugely expensive new drug benefit for senior citizens, which the Democrats have bitterly criticized because it isn't expensive ENOUGH.

Q. In other words, our so-called ''leaders'' are buying senior citizen and Baby Boomer votes by piling massive debt on future generations?

A. Exactly! It's like going to a fancy restaurant and ordering everything on the menu, secure in the knowledge that, when the bill comes, you'll be dead.[/quote]
-Dave Barry

I just like the last line, it's a clever idea - eat till you die :)

[quote]World tension mounts when North Korea announces that it is withdrawing from the nuclear nonproliferation treaty, on the grounds that it's really hard to pronounce ''proliferation.'' Faced with clear-cut evidence that the North Koreans are actively developing weapons of mass destruction, President Bush vows to determine whether North Korea ``is located anywhere near Iraq.''[/quote]
- Dave Barry

[quote]. . . United States coalition-building efforts are dealt a severe blow when France announces that it will not participate in the impending Iraq invasion, a decision that, in the words of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, ``could seriously impair our ability to surrender.''

American citizens show their disdain for all things French by boycotting French wine, calling French fries ''freedom fries,'' and taking showers.
[/quote]
- Dave Barry

"Dear, I can't hate. I'm Canadian!"

-Malcolm in the Middle

[quote] You think your cool, but you can't cuz' your not! [/quote]

- My friend Chadwick

He's Native, so we all think hes still learning English :\

<The_Merciless.> !&$%ERS - !&$%ERS - USA !&$%ERS - I'M HATE USA - I'M HATE GEORGE BUSH - I'M HATE AMERICANS - I'M HATE USA - I'M HATE ALL - I'M HATE YOU - !&$%ERS

The intelligence of people on battle.net amazes me sometimes.

[quote author=Vicious link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=30#msg49197 date=1079187669]
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
George W Bush
[US News & World Report, January 2000]
[/quote]

people will poke fun at anything that man says, i swear. that sentence isn't even one of his funny ones.

"Most of us live out our entire life failing to understand that there is no relevance outside our fabricated perception of reality."

-Michael Surkis

[quote author=warz link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=30#msg59480 date=1084247151]
[quote author=Vicious link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=30#msg49197 date=1079187669]
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
George W Bush
[US News & World Report, January 2000]
[/quote]

people will poke fun at anything that man says, i swear. that sentence isn't even one of his funny ones.
[/quote]

Well for someone who is basically the leader of the free world , reading books because they have "fantastic pictures" really doesnt fill me with confidence.

[quote author=Invert link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=30#msg59483 date=1084248168]
"Most of us live out our entire life failing to understand that there is no relevance outside our fabricated perception of reality."

-Michael Surkis
[/quote]
Ooh yeah, Dr. Surkis is certainly awesome. And sexy.

[quote author=Yoni link=board=2;threadid=5274;start=45#msg59549 date=1084290718]
Ooh yeah, Dr. Surkis is certainly awesome. And sexy.
[/quote]


"JULIUS SURKIS Professor; PhD, Polytechnic University. Dr. Surkis' research interests include the analysis of scheduling problems that arise in complex production systems and the dynamic analysis of productive and behavioral systems. He is a consultant to industry in the areas of production planning, scheduling, inventory, and quality control."


http://business.rutgers.edu/iemba/faculty.htm

and

http://www.fas.harvard.edu/~history/faculty/profiles/surkis.html

[quote]The English are so snobby. They think all us American are idiots. One time, one of them said to me "Oh, I'll bet you don't even know what the capital of England is", so I say "Well, I can do this by process of elimination. First of all, it's not Berlin, and I'm pretty sure that that's because of us!"[/quote]

Reading it isn't as funny as how he said it, but I thought this was pretty funny.